Cracked.com explain 40k

Thanks to the BoLS lounge I stumbled across a little article on Cracked.com

I thought I would borrow it for here as well (be rude not to), but if you want the original or want to comment on it go HERE

Just The Facts

  • Warhammer 40k is a turn based tabletop wargame, set in the far future. Created in 1987 by Rick Priestly as a way of generating more money from Warhammer fantasy. The original incarnation was dubbed “Warhammer 40k: Rogue trader.”
  • Warhammer 40k involves asembling, painting and then forming an army of miniatures for any of the many given races.
  • Warhammer 40k is currently in it’s 5th edition of rules, races, models, lore and nerds.
  • Thankfully THQ decided to save everybody a bunch of money on the models and rule books and produced Warhammer 40k: Dawn of War
  • The Black Library publishes many stories set in this apocalyptic future.

Cracked on Warhammer 40k

Warhammer 40k, was brought into circulation in 1987 thanks to rick priestly and Games Workshop. Assumed to be a way of grabbing even more money from enthusiastic fans of tabletop wargaming. it has undergone many MANY re-writes, modifications and general fuckups at the hands of Games Workshop since then, resulting in all sorts of insane races. Today it is more popular than ever, with millions of players from the ages of 10 to 80, and it shows no signs of slowing.

The Dawn of War series has brought in even more fans and increased the popularity of this particular IP along with the fantasy counterpart. 

Thankfully this huge universe and encouragement of user created content has led to some truly comedic moments that do not rely meerly on the orks and their lack of inteligence though this picture might give you a good summary of how they think.

Dakka=Bullets RACES

Warhammer in its current incarnation concists of the Eldar. Dark eldar. Imperial Guard. Space Marines, Tau, Tyranid, Orks, Chaos and the Necrons. each of which provide their own unique and intriguing styles of play and looks.

Custom paint jobs encouraged

 Space marines.

 Space marines are the epitome of man, long after the fall they still stand tall. Proud men who have been biologically engineered with multiple organs, enhanced reflexes and are all around better than you. They defend humanity against it’s many enemies in the name of the God Emperor supreme Ruler of humanity.

AKA this guy

Yes that really is 500 Trillion But enough of that an individual Space marine is roughly equivalent to a modern tank in terms of firepower and protection and to actually fight them you need way too many little guns or one really big one, SO thankfully they are usually not up against the other soldiers of the Imperium.

 Imperial Guard

 

These are guys are the Armor and the overwhelming numbers of humanity’s military individually they are a laser rifle equipped soldier not too different from today, though a single deployment of forces can be in the millions to billions of troops, essentially its a zerg rush.  Guardsmen are expected to die in service to the emperor and  very few of them last more than a few hours of combat duty, but when you have 500 trillion people to recruit from you are not going to run out of people to send out there anytime soon.

 Eldar

yeah they are pretty boys (and girls)

The Eldar are ancient, fragile, and extremely intelligent. AKA they are your typical Elf from the fantasy world just with space ships and guns that fire mono-molecular blades that pierce all but the best armor. So it is generally best to try and beat them to death with melee combat otherwise you will lose. The only redeeming quality these guys have is the ability to summon the avatar of Khaine the living embodiment of the Eldar god of war.

The little things being slaughtered are the size of a normal human.

CHAOSSS!!

Space Marines but on Crack

Certain Space Marines and other citizens of the Imperium began to worship the gods of Chaos. These gods give them alot of advantages at the cost of freewill a soul and more often than not the sacrifice of your body to bring some great daemon into existence.  These armies can look much the same as an Imperial Guard army with a hole lot of little guys and a few great vehicles, like the Marines with a few human tanks and support vehicles, or it can be a daemon specializing army in which case the opponent is fucked.

Ahh the powers of a change god

Orks (WAAAGH!!!)

Ork Rock Boss

Orks have the unique status of being able to operate any piece of technology whether or not it can actually do anything by using the power of the WAAAGH!!! which doubles as their battlecry and what they call every military campaign.  The only limits to what they can do is the imaginations of their most inteligent people called Mek Boys.  Common tactic is to crash a giant mass of stuff they wanted to be a spaceship into a planet start the rapid multiplying and overwhelm the otherside with looted vehicles pure numbers and very brutal melee combat. For those reasons the dumbest race in the galaxy controls the most planets and are the most dangerous of enemies to face.  And always remember the flow chart from above or the Warboss will be angry.

One size fits all

Tyranids

Run away or kill yourself  

Ok so these guys are the scourge of the galaxy and are not even from the galaxy to begin with.  These guys use pure numbers that would make even the most hardcore zerg playing korean call hax and start to shit themselves. Typical armies in the lore are in the hundreds of billions of individuals all acting under the will of the hivemind, they have no worries about losing a thousand of their own number to defeat a single guardsman. And more often than not a single force cannot defeat the tyranids.

all of the dots are tyranids

This force since you cannot call it either a race or a species is all about genetic mutation and can even blend with other species to create hybrids to disrupt a planet before the hivefleet arrives.  Planets that are attacked typically are wiped of all biologic material with hours to a few weeks depending on how fertile the planet and whether or not the entire fleet came along. 

So in essence if you see a tyranid just shoot yourself unless a space marine army and the Imperial navy arrive immediately.

Necrons

That about sums them up

Well the Picture pretty much tells the story except for the fact that all but a few of their unit types can come back to life unless you use some serious firepower.  This is an army that consists of a race of people that sold their souls to the star gods known as the C’Tan in exchange for immortality and bodies made of living metal that heals itself. After they got tired of destroying fucking everything in the galaxy except for the Eldar and Orks Which were created for the sole purpose of fighting the Necrontyr, by their now extinct rivals, they decided to go to sleep for a few million years.

Well one day the TechPriests who are based on Mars and mostly serve the Imperium found a C’Tan burried deep under the surface of Mars, and in their quest to wake it have accidentlly started to awaken Necron Tomb worlds unleashing the most evil force in the history of everything, upon the galaxy.  Thank you Mars

We trusted something that was more Robot than human, we kind of deserved this.

Only two More races to god damn them for having a rich universe.

Tau

Heres your dose of Anime based people

The Tau are a young force in the galaxy only 6,000 years old younger than even the Emperor’s reign over humanity.  They are a collection of various sub-races and species and even include non-imperial humans in their forces, all united in the quest for the “Greater Good”.  The main advantages of the Tau lie in their ability to use personal stealth fields hiding scouting units from all but the most experienced enemy troops even when firing on the enemy.  Tau however lack severely in the hand to hand department without the use of the Kroot and Vespid troops whom joined the quest for the greater good, though these troops lack technological upgrades so they are easy to shred with weapons fire.  And yes all of the truly Tau units look like something from an anime.

 Dark Eldar

You cant taste this rainbow

 These Eldar are not a part of the colorful fruit flavored variety I posted before, these guys are pretty much as evil as you can be without being or being under the influence of a dark god.  Only a few of these eldar survived the downfall of the eldar race and all of them live in a single Dark city in an alternate dimension called the webway, so the advantage to people fighting them is there are never more than a handful to kill at a time, but on the other hand you usually are dead by the time you realize they are trying to kill you.

Known for hit and run tactics and excelent flanking maneuvers no army can move as quickly or as quitely as these guys and they still pack a punch.

 Other

There are still more races out there in the lore and the surface has barely been scratched as far as the overall story even the top Warhammer nerds only know a fraction of the whole story. So there may be additional topics in the future about this but for now you get these tid bits.

Excuse us for we have a Waaagh!!! to oversee.

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